MY LOCAL supermarket stocks a “Bistro” range of cat food. A happy looking chap is pictured on the box, knowing that his forthcoming meals include treats as “steamed mussels” and “duck, in an orange broth”.

The supermarket includes nutritional information which isn't, worryingly, for cats, but for humans. I nervously pile a couple of boxes of a more sensible brand into my shopping trolley. Back at home our kittens look at me disapprovingly, as though to say “where’s the fillet steak?”

Of course, serving gourmet food is a nice way to show your cats they’re in charge.

One US company have gone a step further, offering cats “Beef Wellington” and “Tuna Nicoise” made in association with “local farmers.”

Their website states that these include“no ingredients from China!”

Back in the 1840s a lady called Mrs Cumming used to personally serve her cats 2lbs of quality meat each day, served on china bowls and silver plates, with napkins provided. Her children had her committed to a lunatic asylum.

Imagine feeding your cat such fodder and then hitting a financial rough patch. How would your favourite mog take the news that delicacies are off the menu? I wouldn’t have the heart to do it, so we’re sticking to the sensible brands.

Later, glancing through the ingredients of two popular varieties of cat food I find that all is not lost.

On the back of the packet my eye runs across mouth-watering ingredients such as copper sulphate and ferrous sulphate, more commonly used as fertiliser.

Another popular ingredient is calcium iodate, popularly used in men’s deodorant. Although even on a sweltering day in July, the chances of me spraying a tin of cat food under my armpit remains slim.

Further down I spy sodium selenite, which sounds like the sort of thing the SAS might use to blow up a tank.

However this ingredient is commonly featured in cat food. Should you get peckish do note it’s toxic to humans. In the event of being attacked by feline foodies, eight pouches would be enough to put you to rest.

Elsewhere vitamins and minerals are plentiful and headline ingredients like salmon and chicken make this stuff sound good enough to eat.

In an ideal world I’d naturally consider making food for the kittens myself. I can almost picture myself labouring over the stove with half a pound of organic squid and sprig of parsley, wondering how I can transform kitten food making into a half-term activity by mid October.

But for all my cooking abilities, one sniff and they’d be out though the cat flap, probably in the direction of the nearest chemist.